The Unfortunate Sequel to “What to Do If Your Family Isn’t Supportive”

This post is going to be tough, because I’m pretty sure a door is closing. It’s one that probably needs to close, but it’s still painful. However, I feel obligated to report on a grave error in judgment that *luckily* wasn’t disastrous for my kids. In my first post about dealing with less-than-supportive family members, I told you about how my mom wasn’t excited about us fostering, but went all-in with being a foster grandma… So much so that when I got news that meant Lady Bug would probably be leaving us soon, she decided to hop on a plane to come meet her.

I just hope that my babies weren’t harmed by my wishful thinking. They seem fine, but I introduced even more strangers into their lives who disappeared without saying good-bye and subjected the kids to a very tense environment for about 24 hours. I did my best to minimize the impact to the ducklings, but I did lose my cool at one point – luckily the boys were asleep, so I think they missed the whole thing.

I don’t want to get into the gory details here, I just feel like I need to revisit what I said about giving people the chance to surprise you. That’s still a good thing to do… But make sure you’re protecting your Ducklings at the same time, and paying attention.

I wanted my mom’s support so badly that I ignored many, *many* warning signs:

  • She was *far* from supportive of my infertility struggles:
    • even after I told her several times it was hurtful when she told me to “just relax”, she still made it clear that she was certain that’s what the problem was. She would say, “Well, you don’t want me to say what I think, so I won’t say it, but…” Seriously – that’s a direct quote that I heard many times.
    • when I hit rock-bottom, and begged her to come out to Florida because I needed my mommy, she couldn’t make it. She made a couple of pleasure jaunts to Colorado that summer, but couldn’t afford to come to Florida.
    • she was incessantly very vocal about her disappointment with our decision not to pursue IVF.
  • When I called to tell her we had decided to foster, she was adamantly opposed.
    • She said, “it would be different if you were calling to tell me you’re pregnant.”
    • She point-blank said that I shouldn’t foster because I shouldn’t take on other people’s problems, and foster kids come with a lot of baggage.
    • I know that one of the reasons she was against me fostering was because she was afraid of getting close to the kids and then having her heart broken when they leave. She never said so, and would never admit it, but I’m certain this is the case based on family history.
  • I mentioned in my previous post that she sent recordable story books for Christmas and balloons for birthdays. Only for Lady Bug. In all fairness, we didn’t have Squirm at Christmas, and Squish spent Christmas with his bio-dad and was being reunified any minute. But she didn’t even acknowledge the boys’ birthday.
  • Since we started fostering, her calls are much less frequent, and she almost never asks about the Ducklings. She never asks for pictures or to talk to them on the phone – even though she knows Lady Bug *loves* to talk on the phone.

The biggest sign I missed that I really wish I’d paid attention to: I’ve asked her to come meet my Ducklings more than a half-dozen times over the last year. But it’s just never convenient…. There’s always something more important. That alone would’ve spoken volumes if I’d slowed down and listened….

My mom refuses to accept that foster ducklings have underlying trauma that sometimes requires allowances. I’m not talking about giving a kid what they want because they throw a tantrum, or letting them be rude or violent. I’m talking about giving a 2-year-old time to come to you because she’s had far too many strangers walk into her life and disrupt it.

My mom thinks that I should trust her – the fact that she’s raised a few kids and been around kids and worked with learning-disable students means she’s perfectly capable of deciding how to approach a foster duckling – even though *none* of her experience includes foster children. And even though she rushed Lady Bug even after being given a heads-up about her needs and boundaries. Since Lady Bug didn’t seem upset to HER (the woman who just laid eyes on her for the first time ever), meaning she didn’t pull away and run screaming, Mom is convinced that I’m being unreasonable because… well, I won’t go into all the things wrong with me – we’ll just say it’s because I’m a horrible person and leave it at that.

There’s more – an argument about who gets to decide what toys are allowed in my house (me or my mom), old arguments about how ungrateful and selfish I am… But there’s no need really to get into all of that.

The crux of the matter is that I could have caused further harm to my Ducklings by introducing them to someone who is incapable or unwilling to set the Ducklings’ needs above her own. She was against us fostering in the first place, and has never actually been supportive. The Ducklings weren’t harmed (I don’t think), but if I’d listened better and paid closer attention, I could’ve avoided the risk.

So if you have family and friends who aren’t supportive while you’re making the decision to foster, weigh their words and actions very carefully before determining whether they’ll be good or bad for your Ducklings.

4 Comments

  1. Casey Mansfield

    I can’t get enough of your blog. I really can’t. You tell your story with such honesty and I find myself reliving and relating with each passing paragraph. Thank you so much for putting into words all of the things that I’ve been through myself in my quest to build my family and fill my home with my own ducklings. (Momma Duck of 2 through foster care adoption and wishing for more!)

    Reply
    1. Duck Mommy

      Thank you, Casey. I really appreciate your comment. This post was really hard to write, and I questioned the wisdom of sharing it the whole time. It relieves me immensely to get confirmation that sharing my journey can be helpful to others.

      Reply
  2. jojonsane

    i have devoured every blog post of yours.i can’t get enough.we started fostering 21/2 months ago.my mom is/was totally against it.she told me the same thing about taking on someone else’s problems.she also said she didn’t want HER heart broken again.i mena really…is is about her??NO.BUT…then again we have never seen eye to eye on anything.i had fertility issues of my own and she also told me to “just relax.” i think she never really accepted the fact of everything we went through with IVF.i have 2 beautiful daughters of our own and now have a foster daughter who we are hoping and praying we will get to adopt someday. when i talk to my mom on the phone she doesn’t even ask about her, never has acknowledge her, i’m not sure she ever will. it hurts me…but then again a lot of what she does and says to me hurts.thanks again for your blog!! keep writing!!

    Reply
    1. Duck Mommy

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I would love to say there has been a happier ending to the situation with my mom… But I don’t think that will ever have a happy ending.

      I will pray that you have more success with your mom.

      Reply

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