I’ve been sitting all week with a question I received from a reader, I’m going to call her Leilani. She was asking for my opinion as a woman, and as an adoptive mom. I’ve been mulling it over and I’ve decided I have a more valuable perspective to offer Leilani – that of an adoptee.
Her story is not mine to tell, so you’ll have to excuse the vague-blogging.
Leilani has been married for over 5 years and has no biological children. Sometime ago, she and her husband made the decision to pursue adoption and are now very close to having a child placed with them. In the time since they began this journey, Leilani and her husband have realized they don’t want to be married anymore. They are, however, still committed to the adoption process, and have discussed and agreed upon plans for co-parenting. While Leilani is confident that their current plan is for the best of all concerned, she isn’t sure how much of their plans they should share with their agency. She isn’t comfortable with the idea of withholding information, but worries that full disclosure will lead to unnecessary delays in a process that has already been painfully slow and drawn-out.
Well, Leilani, you aren’t going to like my answer. I don’t think full disclosure to your agency is enough. Until your relationship situation has been comfortably settled, it is irresponsible and callous for you to bring a child into the uncertainty.
When I was in the 8th grade, I came home from a junior high football game to learn that my mom had asked my dad to move out. If I close my eyes, I can still relive the way my world lurched when I heard this. They didn’t actually separate. Dad spent a few nights in his van in the driveway, and Mom eventually let him come home. But my sense of security, which had never been terribly strong to begin with, has never recovered from that moment.