Tag Archive: extended family issues

FAFQs: What’s the worst part of foster parenting?

Google “questions about foster parenting” and you’ll get lots of official pages from child welfare agencies, state governments and foster/adopt charities (and even a quiz about whether you’re ready to be a foster or adoptive parent), but I haven’t found any “FAQs” that answer the questions that people ask foster parents everyday.

So I started my own!  (Yay!) And I’d love your help!!!

FAFQs: Frequently Asked Fostering Questions 

QWhat’s the worst part of foster parenting?

I think most people think they already know the answer to this question. I find it interesting that they ask anyway.

Honestly, for me, it’s a moving target. I think you could probably ask 20 foster parents and get 50 different answers. Here’s my shortlist (in no order what-so-ever):
  • Knowing the trauma that my Ducklings have endured
  • Fearing that that I am inadequate to help them heal
  • Navigating a system that prioritizes many things ahead of the child’s best interest
  • Being lied to/dismissed/belittled by Case Managers
  • Having my parenting constantly criticized by the birth parents who traumatized my Ducklings.
  • Dreading that a well-meaning stranger/neighbor/teacher/friend/family member will inadvertently re-traumatize a Duckling
This last one is a very real risk that most people don’t think about – particularly when I run into a someone *usually with the best of intentions*, who thinks that their particular experience with kids (whatever it might be) trumps what I know about MY Ducklings. It doesn’t
Let me be very clear: You DON’T know more about my kid than I do. You DON’T have some special insight that gives you license to veto whatever parameters I’ve set. You don’t have to like my rules. You don’t have to understand them. But you do have to follow them if you want to have a relationship with my Duckling.
Unless your experience involves foster children, RAD, FAS, ODD and infants or children with PTSD and anxiety disorders, your experience is going to be largely irrelevant to parenting and healing my Duckling. (Hint:If you just had to google all those initials, please don’t give me foster-parenting advice.)
That’s not a judgement on your experience or education or intelligence. Just because you’ve changed your own oil doesn’t mean you can rebuild a HEMI. 
If I ask you to do something that you don’t understand, and/or I don’t change it because you disagree, that doesn’t mean I’m questioning your expertise in your field, or minimizing your experience. I’m sure that if I had to do whatever it is that you do, I’d be out of my element. 
I was actually told, “I only know how to be one kind of grandma. If you won’t let me be the only kind of grandma I can be, I just won’t be grandma at all.” Well, okay, then. If your one kind of grandma doesn’t include allowing me to set whatever rules *I* deem necessary for my Ducklings, I guess you just won’t be grandma.

So… this post was kind of inspired by Ann over at Journey to Chaos, and I had planned to quote her Letter to Teachers, but I (surprise) got off on a tangent. But still go read her Letter. Because, yeah. It’s that good.

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FAFQs: What’s the worst part of foster parenting?

Google "questions about foster parenting" and you'll get lots of official pages from child welfare agencies, state governments and foster/adopt charities (and even a quiz about whether you're ready to be a foster or adoptive parent), but I haven't found any "FAQs" that answer the questions that people ask foster parents everyday.

So I started my own!  (Yay!) And I'd love your help!!!

FAFQs: Frequently Asked Fostering Questions 

Read more »

The Unfortunate Sequel to “What to Do If Your Family Isn’t Supportive”

This post is going to be tough, because I’m pretty sure a door is closing. It’s one that probably needs to close, but it’s still painful. However, I feel obligated to report on a grave error in judgment that *luckily* wasn’t disastrous for my kids. In my first post about dealing with less-than-supportive family members, I told you about how my mom wasn’t excited about us fostering, but went all-in with being a foster grandma… So much so that when I got news that meant Lady Bug would probably be leaving us soon, she decided to hop on a plane to come meet her.

I just hope that my babies weren’t harmed by my wishful thinking. They seem fine, but I introduced even more strangers into their lives who disappeared without saying good-bye and subjected the kids to a very tense environment for about 24 hours. I did my best to minimize the impact to the ducklings, but I did lose my cool at one point – luckily the boys were asleep, so I think they missed the whole thing.

I don’t want to get into the gory details here, I just feel like I need to revisit what I said about giving people the chance to surprise you. That’s still a good thing to do… But make sure you’re protecting your Ducklings at the same time, and paying attention.

I wanted my mom’s support so badly that I ignored many, *many* warning signs:

  • She was *far* from supportive of my infertility struggles:
    • even after I told her several times it was hurtful when she told me to “just relax”, she still made it clear that she was certain that’s what the problem was. She would say, “Well, you don’t want me to say what I think, so I won’t say it, but…” Seriously – that’s a direct quote that I heard many times.
    • when I hit rock-bottom, and begged her to come out to Florida because I needed my mommy, she couldn’t make it. She made a couple of pleasure jaunts to Colorado that summer, but couldn’t afford to come to Florida.
    • she was incessantly very vocal about her disappointment with our decision not to pursue IVF.
  • When I called to tell her we had decided to foster, she was adamantly opposed.
    • She said, “it would be different if you were calling to tell me you’re pregnant.”
    • She point-blank said that I shouldn’t foster because I shouldn’t take on other people’s problems, and foster kids come with a lot of baggage.
    • I know that one of the reasons she was against me fostering was because she was afraid of getting close to the kids and then having her heart broken when they leave. She never said so, and would never admit it, but I’m certain this is the case based on family history.
  • I mentioned in my previous post that she sent recordable story books for Christmas and balloons for birthdays. Only for Lady Bug. In all fairness, we didn’t have Squirm at Christmas, and Squish spent Christmas with his bio-dad and was being reunified any minute. But she didn’t even acknowledge the boys’ birthday.
  • Since we started fostering, her calls are much less frequent, and she almost never asks about the Ducklings. She never asks for pictures or to talk to them on the phone – even though she knows Lady Bug *loves* to talk on the phone.

The biggest sign I missed that I really wish I’d paid attention to: I’ve asked her to come meet my Ducklings more than a half-dozen times over the last year. But it’s just never convenient…. There’s always something more important. That alone would’ve spoken volumes if I’d slowed down and listened….

My mom refuses to accept that foster ducklings have underlying trauma that sometimes requires allowances. I’m not talking about giving a kid what they want because they throw a tantrum, or letting them be rude or violent. I’m talking about giving a 2-year-old time to come to you because she’s had far too many strangers walk into her life and disrupt it.

My mom thinks that I should trust her – the fact that she’s raised a few kids and been around kids and worked with learning-disable students means she’s perfectly capable of deciding how to approach a foster duckling – even though *none* of her experience includes foster children. And even though she rushed Lady Bug even after being given a heads-up about her needs and boundaries. Since Lady Bug didn’t seem upset to HER (the woman who just laid eyes on her for the first time ever), meaning she didn’t pull away and run screaming, Mom is convinced that I’m being unreasonable because… well, I won’t go into all the things wrong with me – we’ll just say it’s because I’m a horrible person and leave it at that.

There’s more – an argument about who gets to decide what toys are allowed in my house (me or my mom), old arguments about how ungrateful and selfish I am… But there’s no need really to get into all of that.

The crux of the matter is that I could have caused further harm to my Ducklings by introducing them to someone who is incapable or unwilling to set the Ducklings’ needs above her own. She was against us fostering in the first place, and has never actually been supportive. The Ducklings weren’t harmed (I don’t think), but if I’d listened better and paid closer attention, I could’ve avoided the risk.

So if you have family and friends who aren’t supportive while you’re making the decision to foster, weigh their words and actions very carefully before determining whether they’ll be good or bad for your Ducklings.